My first post....

I truly always thought I would never blog.....scrapbooking and photography were the way that I have always thought I would leave a legacy...okay maybe not a legacy, maybe just a big box or book of pictures that I'm hoping more than just I will cherish in the years to come. So now here I sit, in front of a screen and keyboard beginning something else that I pray I can keep up with....most likely just a collection of random thoughts and memories. But perhaps, this blogging thing is another little snippet of something I can look back on when I actually have time to reminisce in what? 50 years.....when I will have long forgotten the days of 2 kids age 3 and under.....it will be a good reminder as I stand by and watch my girls when they are in this stage of life. I truly think people forget. And I don't want to be one of those that do. I sometimes look at the moms of kids who have grown and watch them looking at me...and I know they think I'm crazy. But I can't help but think..."you had to have been in these shoes before..don't you remember?" For instance...when I lost..or maybe she lost me....Nani Grace in the supermarket a few weeks ago. She was perusing the Halloween candy right at the door of the Publix, while I was pondering the cupcakes for the Fall Party at the school. She was in her Snow White costume as we had just gone to my work for family trick or treating.....I needed just a few things and she had fallen asleep in the car. I really wanted Honey Baked Ham or at least one of their sandwiches. Emmi Kate was in her car seat. Nani Grace was in hers.....I pleaded with Nani Grace to wake up before the Honey Baked Ham store closed at 6:00 - it was 5:59......pullleeeze wake up...pullleeezze...I really just want this sandwich.....no deal. Finally she got her sorts about her and climbed out of the car and I grabbed Emmi Kate's car seat, grabbed hold of Nani's hand and proceeded the "2 kid mom parade" across the parking lot.....got to the door..and you guessed it...closed. Now, normally, I would've gotten back in the car and left..but I was really hungry and we also needed the basics at home, so we walked up the sidewalk to Publix. Which brings me to us standing in front of the candy display...me, Snow White, and Minnie Mouse. I had my Publix sandwich in the buggy along with drink of choice and some candy for the kiddies that were coming next week. Then I see out of the corner of my eye, a little yellow dress run and yell "mommy".....darting to, or at least I thought, the cash registers....I figured she thought I was checking out....so, I look around the corner and no Nani Grace...I push the buggy down in front of all the checkout lines at the front of the store yelling her name at the top of my lungs...no Nani....I tell everyone I see that I am looking for a 3 year old in a snow white dress....(they thought I said white dress so not much help there)......for what seemed like several minutes, I was in a complete panic...especially when I turned to the doors and it dawned on me that she very well could have been swooped up through them or gone out them herself...I run outside (buggy with baby still in hand with groceries not paid for)....and I see no sign of her....then an older lady asks me if she can help...I tell her that I am looking for my daughter - give her description...and a random guy walking by overhears, and nonchalantly says - there is a girl in a snow white dress down there....and keeps walking .......I see her standing at the other end of the parking lot, beside my car...crying her heart out in her snow white dress....with a lady standing beside her (the one who I think, thought I had lost it) It was a bittersweet moment..I was ecstatic that she was okay...shocked she ventured across the parking lot on a Friday at 5Pm at all..and then made it without being hit by a car....and my heart was aching at the way I knew she felt....she truly thought I left her....That she would even consider that I would leave her anywhere kills me...it's just not possible that I would ever leave my precious precious first born who means the world to me anywhere...and I just assumed she knew that....until now....now I realize that she needs the reassurance from me...I have to train her to know what to do if she ever thinks she is by herself...and reassure her that I only want the best for her and will never never leave her. This must be how God feels...at those times in my life when I've felt like God wasn't looking out for me...and I've run out the front door looking for Him thinking He had left me, dodging my fate, and He calls for me and I don't answer because I have left His side, thinking I could take care of myself or that I knew the course of what was happening at that moment, sure I was on my own..but He was still in the metaphorical store, where it was safe and He could look out for me.....but when I run out the front door...it makes it difficult for Him to speak to me or me to hear Him...how His heart must ache to reach out to me, stop me from running out the door...He will never leave me or forsake me...that is what He promises. Then He sends people to help bring us back to Him. The lady beside Nani Grace handed her over, the older lady who had offered to help came out to my car and helped me get the girls back to the checkout line so I could pay for the groceries still in my cart. She said she remembered these days. Thank God for people like her...I want to be like that when I am in that season..not forgetting...and knowing just how to help. She put my groceries on the belt, I paid and she wanted to help me get all to the car. But I assured her I was fine. I will forever remember that day and Nani now knows just what to do if she thinks she's by herself. So, if you ever see a 3 year old screaming my name at the top of her lungs in a store..its probably my girl.....doing just what she was told and knowing that I would never leave her.